Friday 18 December 2009

Out of the closet - ASDA Checkout Girl lechery Fetish

Is there a help group for this I wonder?

No some much in conventional preventative terms but more like a scoring system with maybe an online gallery - Would certainly save a lot of driving around

There's just something about the 50% polyester ASDA shirts clinging to a plumpish 19 year that makes me quiver - The chicks are OK too

Just a snippet today as it's PUB PUB PUB on a friday, Still amazes me that my better half expects consciousness when she gets in from work at 5PM

Thursday 17 December 2009

Ebay Tosser is alive | Plus bonus Gay Jeans

Well roll me a fat one - Twatty ebay wanker has finally send me the money for the pile of crap I've disguised as a working unit


I have added a, fair, in my opinion TAT, twat added tax, in that although I would normally include the cables etc, they were not in the picture so the twat is not having them


Hopefully that will prompt him to have drive out tomorrow in the forcast snow and with a bit of luck crash his overspec'd 4 x 4 into a tree


One can only hope that the resultant lack of transport makes him late for work and buys him for a final written warning and immediate sacking - Just before xmas too - excellent


Haha - Bastard


All this could have been avoided with timely correspondance and attention to your commitments you wanker - Next time think ahead


On another ebay note I feel I have met my ebay nemesis


Nemesis advertised 1 x Pair mens Jean, with a nice picture of same

Fine, all good - I buy now (hey I pay straight away - live by the sword, die by the sword)

They arrive next day - Very good - I unpack, and guess what

There's a fucking strap and buckle at the arse part of the jeans


I go back and check the description to make sure I didn't inadvertantly bid on

Mens Jeans with Big Fuck Off Gay Strap and Buckle on Arse


Nope it's not me, surfice to say the full weight of retribution will be swinging his way very shortly


Tuesday 15 December 2009

Christmas can get to fuck

Well what a waste of time Tuesday was

Although I did manage to piss off a potential client by canceling a meeting, so not all bad

Hopefully they will realise I'm about as interested in their amazing new start web venture as I am in masterfucking chef

And guess what? If I do the work cheap for them they will remember me when they are internet millionaires

So If I just drive 2 hours each way, spend a further two hours listening how they can't possible draw up a brief doc - The whole thing is just too big - It's global - Then they can finish the meeting by saying,

Well we haven't really got a budget, per se - we were thinking of maybe up to £500.oo for a site just like ebay/amazon/twitter/myspace/linkedin but with more functionality

You know you're in trouble when some marketing wanker says the "per se" bit

Franky I'd rather pick at the little spotty bits on my scrotums - I suspect it will yield a higher dividend of reward versus effort in the long run

Plus I spent all day learning how not to configure false positive spam trap wankety widget thingy that works for everyone else on the planet but not me

Fucked up two servers in the process, another two days and I'm going to be at the point of possibly reading the user guide - Bastard

Website meeting with client tomorrow - So I'm doing some late night prep tonight

Mostly along the lines of googling techie type explanations as to why we are a month late

I'm leaning towards...

Hi Dave,

Nice suite,

Sorry we're a bit late but the complexity of migratory, non constant SQL exports have made transitioning the xml api a little more detailed than our initial evaluation report

Love to stay and chat but I'm having my arse waxed in 15 minutes

Bye


Monday 14 December 2009

Another Day Nearer Death

Oh well thats another Bastard Monday out of the way

So I have contributed to the wealth of the world today by

a - Cooking the books - Turns out fucking year end is every bastard year for accounts purposes, who'd have thought?
It's hard enough to remember what I had for lunch let alone what the miscellaneous receipt in Feb 09 to Samanthas' House of erotica was for

From memory I think it was a hard drive upgrade - can't be sure though, could have been a "greedy boy special"

b - Doing a free call out to a client just because he is famous - Yes I am that shallow - and will wait for the exactly the right social moment to drop the name like a fuck off big lump of concrete causing envy and widespread desire to be my friend

c - Posted off my shit to ebay hoping that none of them expect the contents to resemble the photo's in the least - Doesn't matter anyway - I've changed my ebay ID to the twatty idiot that pissed me of yesterday so hopefully he'll get a letter bomb in tomorrows post from an unsatisfied purchaser of David Hasselhoff's greatest hits

(He's very big in Germany you know)

Sunday 13 December 2009

Tech Support Call - Can U read My Email

So - I sometimes work tech support for my ISP company
sometimes I do something worthwhile with my life

here's one from last week

Hello tech support - I'm a client who pays you late, has broadband with BT, not you, and can't get connected to your mailserver
Me: Oh bad luck, I'm presuming you've called to congratulate us on maintaining service when BT can't?
Client: Oh no - we were wondering if you could waste an hour of your life for free reading out our email to us please. Is is what we oay £29.00 a year for you know
Me: Oh yes, the £29.00 is costs us £60.00 to chase and collect late - I remember - hold on let me tell Brittany to fucking stop sucking my cock and do this for you now
Client: Well we did pay £5.00 for domain name registration 10 years ago
Me: Oh yes, that's right, since I retired to the fucking caymans I forgot
Client: So - what's our email say?
Me: Oh yes - sorry - here we go -
It says you are a cunt
Thanks for calling, Bye

Ebay Idiots

Here's an idea you stupid twatty ebay idiot

Win an item for like £10.00 and then ask 5 million stupid questions that are either...
a> already in big fucking red bold letters in the Ad
b> don't even relate to the sale and center around how fucking dull your sad life is
c> then try and negotiate a discount - clearly not realising you have already entered into a contract of sale - you fucking idiot -
d> Do you know what you would find in a dictionary under - idiot?
no - wrong not a picture of you
you'd get the, definition of idiot, which you fucking are

My Arse

Bollocks - Just found out in Astrology my key planet is Uranus